How we see life shapes how we connect with others. Every interaction offers a chance to relate, respond, and grow closer. Our ability to form meaningful relationships often depends on the "level of consciousness" we're in. These levels aren’t fixed—they shift as we move through different experiences. Understanding and working with these shifts can deepen our relationships and help us connect with more empathy and understanding.
Life’s contexts can be explored through four levels of consciousness: To Me (victim consciousness), By Me (responsibility consciousness), Through Me (surrender consciousness), and As Me (oneness consciousness). These states are not fixed; we transition between them, sometimes in a matter of moments. Recognizing these shifts and intentionally engaging with them can transform how we relate to ourselves and the people around us.
Let’s delve deeper into these levels of consciousness, their impact on our interactions, and how embracing them mindfully can help us forge stronger, more meaningful connections.
1. TO ME: Victim Consciousness
The "To Me" state places us at the mercy of life’s circumstances. In this mindset, external forces dictate our emotions, and we feel like victims of our surroundings. Whether it’s bad traffic that ruins our mood or a compliment that uplifts us, we are reactive rather than proactive, believing that the causes of our experiences are entirely outside our control. This mindset often leaves us feeling powerless, reactive, and trapped in cycles of blame.
This perspective can strain relationships. Feeling wronged or misunderstood makes us defensive, and conversations can turn into cycles of blame. It’s easy to get stuck here, but shifting out of it can improve how we relate to others.
"You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them." – Maya Angelou
Shifting out of “To Me” to connect better:
Pause and reflect. When you feel triggered, take a moment to acknowledge your emotions without immediately reacting. Ask yourself, “Am I assuming someone else is responsible for how I feel?”
Reframe challenges. Instead of focusing on how life is happening to you, consider how it might be happening for you. What lesson or growth opportunity does this experience offer?
Practice gratitude. Gratitude shifts the focus from what’s wrong to what’s right, fostering a more constructive and open mindset in relationships.
2. BY ME: Responsibility Consciousness
The “By Me” state empowers us to take ownership of our lives. Instead of being at the mercy of external forces, we recognize our ability to shape our experiences through our actions, reactions, and choices. This perspective fosters accountability and intentionality, which can greatly enhance our interactions with others. Here, life is seen as a canvas, and we hold the brush.
When we operate from “By Me,” we take responsibility for our part in any conflict or misunderstanding. Instead of blaming others, we ask, “What role did I play here, and how can I approach this differently?” This openness fosters deeper, more authentic connections.
"Watch your thoughts; they become words. Watch your words; they become actions. Watch your actions; they become habits. Watch your habits; they become character. Watch your character; it becomes your destiny." – Lao Tzu
How to connect better in “By Me”:
Use “I” statements: Express your feelings without blaming others. For example, say, “I felt hurt when…” instead of “You always….”
Be proactive: Take the first step in resolving conflicts or expressing appreciation.
Encourage accountability: Empower others to take responsibility for their actions, creating a foundation of mutual respect.
3. THROUGH ME: Flow and Surrender
The “Through Me” consciousness is a state of surrender to life’s natural flow. It’s about releasing control and trusting the present moment. In this state, we become vessels for creativity, intuition, and connection, allowing experiences to unfold naturally. Artists, writers, and innovators often describe this state as moments when ideas seem to channel through them effortlessly. This mindset is often described as being “in the zone”.
In this state, relationships take on a fluid, dynamic quality. We no longer try to control or predict others’ actions but instead engage with openness and trust. Conversations feel natural and deeply authentic, as both parties connect without judgment or expectation. We listen more deeply, respond more intuitively, and engage with greater presence.
"When we stop struggling, we float." – Thich Nhat Hanh
Connecting in the “Through Me” state:
Be fully present. Set aside distractions and give your undivided attention to the person you’re with. Presence itself is a profound act of connection. Ask open-ended questions like, “What’s on your mind?” or “How can I support you?” This approach nurtures trust and allows for genuine connection.
Trust your intuition. Instead of overthinking your responses, allow your genuine thoughts and feelings to emerge.
Create space for flow. Avoid forcing conversations or outcomes. Let the dialogue evolve naturally, fostering mutual discovery and understanding.
4. AS ME: Oneness and Unity
"As Me" is the pinnacle of consciousness, where the boundaries between self and others dissolve. In this state, we experience profound unity, boundless love, and an absence of ego. Life is no longer something we do or experience; it is something we are.
Relationships in "As Me" consciousness transcend individuality, as we see others as extensions of ourselves. Compassion flows effortlessly, and every interaction becomes an opportunity to express and receive love. This is the state spiritual teachers often describe as enlightenment or universal harmony.
While reaching this state consistently is challenging, even brief moments of “As Me” can transform how we connect with others.
"You are not a drop in the ocean. You are the entire ocean in a drop." – Rumi
Cultivating connection through “As Me”:
Practice empathy. See others not just as individuals but as shared beings. Simple phrases like, “I see you” or “I honor your journey,” reflect this mindset.
Celebrate unity. Focus on commonalities rather than differences, reinforcing the bonds that unite us.
Radiate unconditional love. Approach every interaction with a spirit of kindness and openness, regardless of the circumstances.
Applying the Levels of Consciousness to Connect Better
1. Awareness as the Key
Connection begins with self-awareness. By identifying the level of consciousness we’re operating from, we can adjust our mindset and actions. If you find yourself in "To Me," pause and breathe, asking, “How can I shift to ‘By Me’ or beyond?” Regular reflection can help you navigate these states with greater ease.
2. Adapt to Others’ States
Connection deepens when we meet others where they are. If someone is in "To Me," responding from "As Me" might feel alienating. Instead, offer empathy and gently guide them toward empowerment. Recognize that people interpret interactions based on their current consciousness, and tailor your approach with patience and understanding.
3. Embrace Vulnerability
True connection requires courage. Share your journey through these states with others, allowing them to see your humanity. When you admit, “I was in a ‘To Me’ mindset earlier, but I’m working on shifting my perspective,” you invite trust and authenticity into the relationship.
4. Prioritize Practices that Elevate Your Consciousness
Meditation, journaling, yoga, and spending time in nature are powerful tools to move through the levels of consciousness. These practices help quiet the mind, center the self, and create space for deeper connection with others.
Relationships thrive when we approach them with awareness, authenticity, and intention. By understanding the four levels of consciousness, we gain tools to navigate our interactions with greater ease and grace. Whether we’re taking responsibility for our emotions, surrendering to the flow of a conversation, or embracing the unity of all beings, each moment offers an opportunity to connect more deeply with those around us.
The journey through these levels is not linear or prescriptive; it’s a dance of discovery. And as we move through them, we open our hearts to the richness of life, cultivating relationships that honor the unique contexts each of us brings while celebrating the universal consciousness that binds us all.
"A human being is a part of the whole called by us ‘universe,’ a part limited in time and space. He experiences himself, his thoughts, and feelings as something separated from the rest—a kind of optical delusion of his consciousness." – Albert Einstein
Recommended Reads for Deepening Consciousness and Connection
If you’re inspired to explore these levels of consciousness further, these books provide profound insights, practical tools, and guidance to enhance your understanding and relationships.
The Art of Communicating - Thich Nhat Hanh
This book focuses on mindful listening, intentional speech, and the power of presence in communication. It’s a practical guide to connecting at deeper levels, making it ideal for navigating all four levels of consciousness.
The Untethered Soul: The Journey Beyond Yourself - Michael A. Singer
This book explores the nature of consciousness and how to release habitual thought patterns that hold us back. It aligns with the "Through Me" and "As Me" states, showing how surrendering to life’s flow can bring peace and clarity.
When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times - Pema Chödrön
This book is offers help for navigating the "To Me" and "Through Me" states, as it teaches how to find peace amidst uncertainty and discomfort.
The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom - Don Miguel Ruiz
A timeless classic that offers four simple yet transformative principles for living authentically and connecting meaningfully: be impeccable with your word, don’t take things personally, don’t make assumptions, and always do your best. It encourages "By Me" and conscious communication in relationships.
A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life’s Purpose - Eckhart Tolle
It’s an excellent guide for embracing "As Me" and understanding how transcending the ego leads to deeper, more fulfilling connections.
Letting Go: The Pathway of Surrender - David R. Hawkins
This book is about the power of releasing resistance and allowing life to unfold naturally. This book complements the "Through Me" state, emphasizing the importance of surrender in fostering creativity, personal growth, and harmonious relationships.
Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead - Brené Brown
In this inspiring book, Brown dives deeper into vulnerability and its role in creating authentic relationships. It’s an excellent resource for fostering openness and trust in the "Through Me" and "As Me" states.
Happy journey!